Written by Providr Contributor
The great and powerful Evilzor, your villainous alter-ego, paces around their evil lair. Your evil minion, M&M, and your evil dog, EvilDog, stand at the wings waiting for you to make a decision already. “Maybe,” you start, your cape flowing behind you. “Maybe I could’ve lost my family to Super Stacy from Home Ec?” M&M and EvilDog look at each other. “Sure,” says M&M. “Why not?” You stop and scrunch up your evil, mustachioed face.
“Yeah, but it’s too run-of-the-mill. I want my origin story to be completely original. Is there perhaps a Provider article that could help me in my journey to discovering my identity?”
“Why yes,” says M&M, taking out his phone. “How does 25 Pics That Tell One Heck Of A Backstory sound?” Sure, why not. It’s on Friday.
1. Hey, that’s not so weird. I lost mine to an off-brand maple Oreo type cookie. Wanna see the pictures? They’re on my Provider page. Listen, I’ve seen American Pie, I understand how this works. I’m assuming whichever body part you’re trying to emulate must feel like a thin mint? I wouldn’t know, I’ve never done the deed.
2. And for the main course, we’ll be sampling some lobster du la Mer and some calculus homework. Man, that looks NOTHING like the food I ate when I was in college. It was a very healthy and mature combination of Wendy’s, booze, and bar food from this bar called Shopsy’s. Ironically, the bar had to worst food out of the three.
3. Dread it, run from it, Destiny still arrives. You WILL take me to prom Josh, and you WILL make a proposal that makes it onto The Ellen Show. I’m kind of out of jokes now, cause I haven’t seen Infinity War and probably won’t until it comes out on Netflix. I did, however, read the plot synopsis, so here’s who dies. Ahem–
4. Why don’t you just marry her? You clearly seem to have a loving, healthy relationship. Who even buys billboards anymore? I can almost guarantee she’d have 5 times the amount of eligible bachelors if he just put an ad out on Craigslist.
5. Ooh er… uh… Um… Yuck. What? Why would anyone even think to do this? Like I understand the convenience of always having nachos on you, and actually, I think I just answered my own question.
6. Yeah and I love Star Wars, but I would never get a tattoo with the Empire symbol on it. Wait, hold on… And isn’t the plural of ravioli, ravioli? Like you say I have a bowl of ravioli, not a bowl of ravioli. Am I missing a meme here or something? Is my age showing? Oh God! I’m in front of the class, and my age is showing! God, I hope I wake up soon!
7. Oof, this one hits too close to home. As it turns out, the plural of ravioli can be both ravioli and ravioli. Huh, neat. I’m sorry to go back to the previous entry, I just really did not want to comment on this one. Like the meme says, I’m pretty sure I need a cake like that for every person who has to deal with me on a daily basis.
8. That’s actually pretty clever. Turns out, there isn’t “one heck of a backstory” for this one, it was just some special needs teachers being creative. Honestly, I think it’s a really nice sentiment and a pretty good thing to say. Anything that brings us closer together, I always say. Oh, did I mention that I hated Marvel movies?
9. Are ya ready to party Patrick? I’m ready Mr. Krabs, are you ready to party SpongeBob? I’m ready to party Patrick, are you ready Mr. Krabs? Etc, etc. Yeah, that Mr. Krabs sure was greedy, wasn’t he? Quick side note – I have to give kudos to Stephen Colbert cause a couple nights ago on the Late Show he made a SpongeBob reference that was actually incredibly clever. You go Colbert.
10. DJ Khaled? That could possibly be him, I heard he eats everything but cats, so he could’ve been stealing those reindeer to eat them. Another quick side note – why is everyone up in arms about him not eating cats? Since when are we all about eating our poor feline friends? What’s that? It’s a euphemism for what? Oh, now I see.
11. Jeez, that is one Ultimate Laser Adventure. It must’ve been one heck of an ultimate adventure to cause destruction on this much of a major scale. Maybe that’s why Laser Quest always told you not to run, jump or climb, cause this would’ve happened.
12. Oh and that lady, boy did we hate her. Oh and THAT was Henderson’s house, everyone in the neighborhood hated them. Finally, we have father Pat’s house, who everyone hated more than everyone. Ah yes, it seems cattiness and pettiness will survive the ages, passed on from generation to generation. Sunrise, sunset.
13. Way to go, Henry, you’re a true blue hero, buddy. I need a barber like that. Or at least one that doesn’t want to make small talk while I get my haircut. No offense to the barbers, I’m just terribly socially awkward and don’t really want to hear about your kids.
14. Safety first. Always. These guys obviously have their fall arrest, that is some top-notch safe ladder use. Although I’m not sure if the guy using the ladder has a harness on, so I believe that is a safety violation, and I’m afraid I’ll have to shut down this job site.
15. Tough tiddy said the kitty, but the milk’s still good. I had a 45-year-old woman from Newfoundland say that to me outside a bar one time. She also told me, “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander,” which to this day I still don’t know what it means.
16. Gee, had to read that a couple of times. Well, I can tell you with confidence, it’s a lot easier to become white. Just make sure to know all the words to “Sweet Caroline” and know the entire “See you later, alligator” sequence and you’ll be pretty much there.
17. Wow, the graphics for Super Smash Brothers Switch look amazing! And it looks like they re-skinned Wario too, which is a bold move but I honestly kind of like it! And who’s that in the background? Is that Ridley? RIDLEY CONFIRMED FOR SSBS? THEY’RE TOTALLY GOING TO DO IT THIS TIME GUYS!
18. Yes, they do in fact still sell tacos. Unfortunately, as you get older, you’ll stop craving Taco Bell all the time. One of the worst realizations of my short adult life was when I realized I could no longer eat Taco Bell. Not because I was allergic or anything, it’s just too hard of a time the next day. Sigh… Sunrise, sunset.
19. Woah, get on there Lil’ doggy! While I like the fact that they went with practical effects rather than CGI, I have to admit I’m not sure I like the direction the Jurassic Park/World series is going. Sure, I could believe raptor tamers and whatnot, but dinosaurs coming back to life as skeletons? Unbelievable!
20. Did you know bread makes you fat? Scott Pilgrim told me, and that movie was a documentary! Who cares? I could picture myself gorging on those big baguettes only to feel awful about myself the next morning. Very similar to my Taco Bell experience.
21. W-H-A-T-S? Whats? So many whats. Obviously, they’re having THE BEST kind of conversations! Honestly, there is nothing better than sitting down, having a beer, and discussing applesauce with your buddies.
22. Ah! Someone get Batman, it’s his blind, deaf and mute arch-nemesis, NO FACE! Once a proud defense attorney, his life was changed forever when he bent down to tie his shoe and accidentally leaned into a belt sander. Now, he mumbles and honks his way through life, vowing to destroy Batman! If, you know, he could ever find him.
23. Right, um, maybe take off your shoes before performing. Performing what? According to the person who posted this, they were just doing yoga. Then again, I do hot yoga, and I’ve never seen this position. It looks like they were doing the deed, and she enjoyed it so much she pressed her heels through the window! Just a theory, though.
24. Et Tu, fork? I guess the guy painting the lines was eating his lunch while he painted the road and then decided to litter all over his work. Then again, who really cares? As long as the drivers can still see the lines, so what if there is an outline of a fork in it?
25. There are so many things wrong with this picture, so many questions that arise. For starters, why a chicken? I’m assuming she wanted to be creepy or something, but why use a chicken? Can you not find a more menacing animal, like a goose or a cat or something? Oh, that’s right, it wasn’t a cat, it was VA–
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